Don't Go Away
by Foxie
Summary: Aya feels the need to get away but there are certain things that try to stop him. AyaYoji or YojiAya, you decide. Please, R&R.


A/N: The first version of this fic was actually written back in the beginning of 2003 and it was up here in ff.net for quite a long time before I decided it stank.   
  
This newly written version was actually done a long time ago, back in July 2003, to be exact, and I have no idea why I didn't put this up back then.  
  
Anyhow, here it is. I don't know if many of you read the older version, but if you did, I'd like to know if this one is any better. Thank you.  
  
And thanks to my dear Sandy for betaing and to Twinkie for reading and noting about the amount of angst (I can't help it... ^^*). You two rock.  
  
The song Don't Go Away originally belongs to Ace of Base and I think it's a little pearl among their often quite cheerful (but not bad at all) music.   
  
~*~  
  
Don't Go Away  
  
/One step hesitation  
One step into the night  
Don't mind the weather  
It's raining in my heart tonight/  
  
Silently walking across the corridor I tried my best to remain invisible to the others and maybe to myself, too. It took me a few deep breaths and a lot of willpower to move my feet towards the stairs and then down to the door. My heart ached with every step but there was no other option.   
  
It hurt to be leaving. I knew that staying would have been equally painful, maybe even more, but I had chosen to leave behind the collapsing rooms and walls that felt like closing in around me wherever I went.   
  
As I opened the door the cool night air greeted me. The sky was clear and all the stars were visible, shining brightly. I wished there had been storm clouds or at least a little drizzle, so I would not have felt so alone with my inner tears. This was the right choice, I kept telling to myself, for it was the only one.   
  
I remained standing there, in front of the door in the night. Even though I wanted out from all this, I still wanted to remember the moment when I had left. The image had to stay painted in my memories clear as the reality itself.   
  
/Much more to living  
Two wrongs don't make a right/  
  
I had tried to leave before, but I had been forced to come back by the twisted sense of humor of the force greater than human, and back then I had decided that it was okay to be where I belonged. I should not have left myself dwell in that belief, then. If I had did as planned back then and left it behind, I would have been able to live without regret and pain. Now… There was too much that I was leaving behind.  
  
"Aya?"  
  
I bit my lip and closed my eyes. Why did he have to be there? This was all too difficult even without him; I didn't need the surprised sound of his voice calling my name. The name he and the others called me.   
  
"Are you going somewhere?" he asked. If I had not been troubled by the situation and certain decisions already, I would have made some random, mocking comment about his excellent observation. But that didn't seem to be needed then.   
  
"Away," I replied, my back turned to him. I didn't want to see his expression.   
  
"What? Away? Why?"  
  
I took a deep breath and then turned around. "Because I have to."  
  
/You're gonna regret it  
When you're looking back on your life/  
  
He took a step towards me and reached out his hand. I wanted to take it and drown into his embrace, but my decision was made and I didn't allow myself to. I was leaving, no matter how sad he looked. I could ignore him, would ignore him, if I wanted to. I had to go.  
  
"You can't," Yoji said, a hint of despair in his voice. He was making this far more difficult that it was supposed to be. "You have to stay with me."  
  
I snorted. He was being selfish, but so was I. I had the right to be and maybe Yoji did too. We both wanted what was the best for ourselves; thinking of the other and his needs didn't fit the plans we both had individually made.   
  
"Is it because of me?" Selfish again.  
  
I remained silent for a while. That was because I didn't know the answer. I felt lonely, trapped, yet Yoji was there for me. Why would I leave, then? No, it was not about Yoji. It was about me and the ache in my soul. I shook my head.  
  
"No, not you. Me," I replied.   
  
"Then there has to be my fault, too."  
  
I had to turn away from him, again. He was doing very well if he was planning to make me change my mind.   
  
A silence fell between us. I could have made good use of the moment and left, then, but I couldn't. Not when Yoji was still there, looking at me.  
  
He broke the silence. "Will you come back?"  
  
The question was once again very well formed as it made me question myself. It would be final, I had decided. I had to get myself together and act by my thoughts.  
  
"No."  
  
"What if you will have second thoughts later on?"  
  
"I never have second thoughts."  
  
/Some dream of fortune  
Others dream of fame/  
  
I did not know where I would go. The only thing repeatedly going around in my head was that I had to get away. The tomorrow was open, with all the possibilities I didn't recognize. My mind was in the moment and in the words 'I need to get away'.   
  
"Aya." Barely a whisper anymore, more reason for me not to turn back to face him. I didn't have to; he pulled me into his arms, resting his forehead against my neck. I could feel how three little words were spoken against my skin.   
  
Struggling away was the only thing I could do. I would have remained there for an eternity or two, if I had let myself to.   
  
I had to get away.  
  
/Seconds after leaving  
Life will never be the same/  
  
Yoji let go of me. He hung his head and I heard his steps retreating to the door. That was where he stopped; it was his silent acknowledgement of my decision. I was given the permission to go. Not sincere, but an unselfish one. I knew Yoji was screaming inside, I knew he wanted to yell at me and tell me not to go.   
  
/We'll last forever  
If you turn around once again/  
  
I couldn't.   
  
The night moved on and so did I as I walked down the street. I hardly paid attention to my surroundings, so numb I was. I was glad I didn't need to say goodbye. Less words, the better, that had been my philosophy for a long time. Words always brought up feelings and feelings made nothing out of decisions.   
  
/Don't go away/  
  
At least the image of my past was burned into my memories in the way I could never erase.   
  
/Make the most of this love I'm giving/  
  
Yoji's defeated look made me feel something close to regret. I had hurt him; I had turned down his offering of better tomorrow. I had left him alone into the night with only memories with him. That was what I had, too, though. We were the same, once again.  
  
/You can be what you wanna be  
But don't go away/  
  
He would have tried to make it better, I knew. No matter the image he gave out, he was sometimes overly caring and would have beaten even Omi in compassion from time to time. Even now, when he had backed away from me and stopped to give me the wordless permission to go, he had shown his yielding nature.  
  
I knew exactly what I had and what I was letting go. I knew it was because I had to, but there was no more specific explanation. If there had been, I had forgotten it.   
  
I walked on, down the road and what the bright stars above me. My vision was blurred few times, but I didn't feel the tears. I had to let go. I had to get away. The same chant still in my head I strode down the road and didn't look back.  
  
/You're gonna regret it  
When you're looking back  
on your life/  
  
I knew the regret would come some day, maybe the next morning, perhaps years after. It would be there, lurking, waiting for its chance. What I could do was to keep myself from remembering too much.   
  
/Take a look/  
  
The horizon was getting lighter. I didn't feel like I had been up for the whole night, just walking on, down the street. I had been sad and numb, but now I felt absolutely nothing.   
  
/Take another look on your way/  
  
The shadows slowly came visible again and I stopped to watch them grow. Like rising from the nothingness they crept up the buildings and streets, taking their regular positions in the setting that woke up the same every morning, not living, not breathing, not changing. Always the same.  
  
/Take a look/  
  
I had always preferred sunsets to sunrises, but this specific sunrise was full of melancholic beauty that reflected me and my emotions. I could do nothing but remain in my steps and wonder the sight. So beautiful, still cold but soon bringing light and warmth. Maybe it was a promise. A promise for me of better tomorrow.  
  
/Take another look on your way/  
  
I followed my shadow in its way towards the day to come. Walking amid the waking world I felt the wind pass me by and bring whispered words with it.  
  
"Please, don't go."   
  
~FIN  
  
Reviews, please. 


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